What am I?

I'm taller than a mountain
Yet shorter than a tree
I've elbows like an oyster
But I don't live in the sea
In January I'm backwards
My quotes are misconstrued
I'm often found in attics
All bewildered and confused
I've trouble eating peaches
I'm as wide as I am high
When in Rome I stretch a gnome
And wear it as a tie
My fists are made of Christmas
I can't outrun a dog
I'm cleverer than Einstein
Yet thicker than a fog
I once ate part of Scotland
I've no concept of green
My ice-skates smell of Coldplay
Even though I prefer Keane
My eyelids are deluded
My hooves are working class
I live inside a freezer
I live off Häagen-Dazs
I carry tiny boardgames
For when my fleas get bored
My left leg is in Shoreditch
My right leg is insured
I started life a shapeless mass
I have a hundred toes
The question is though, 'what am I?'
The answer is 'fuck knows'.