TINY

Today I bought a hazelnut from a tiny man. He was so small he could only carry one at a time, so after my purchase he had to go back to his lock-up to get another.

He only sells the nuts for a pound each, and his lock-up is in Winchester, and he doesn't have a car. His business model is flawed. I tried to explain this to him without referring to his size. He told me his mother has scarlet fever. I don't know what his point was.

I asked him if he has an online presence. He stared at me blankly. I don't think he is of this time.

Perhaps I will look for him tomorrow. I don't like hazelnuts, but I'm always happy to support small local businesses.

Excerpt from my Twitter feed

11 January 2011

3:12pm

Have been searching for a lottery ticket down back of sofa. Have found Amelia Earhart. Surprised.

3:28pm

Initial jubilation wearing off. Conversation awkward and stilted. Have realised how little interest I have in aviation.

3:35pm

She asks where I bought my coffee table. I say Furniture Village. Long silences.

3:39pm

Have stuffed her back down sofa. Tedious bloody woman.

Baby Names

Do you have an impending person in you? At a loss as to what to name the creature? Here is a list of fashionable names for you to choose from.

Baron Shearman
Gary Silence
Murky Jill
Keith Drastic
Purloin Rot
Gammy Alan
Thrullin D'Stilts
Sleeves E. Havoc
Driscoll Thundercrust
Lingo Torment
Timian Coffincrisps
Tuppin Bandy Dumfinger
Scuffin The Truth
Doomfeatures
Nicholas Cage
Sir Susan Gent
Thirty Today D'Stumpy McFortnight
Child
Nominal Funce
Goodbye Horizon Smith
Dogsmack Silent-Grain
Betty Tumble Eyeball-Seizure
Tumblethrill Scoffins

Let me know if you use any of these names. There is no charge for you, but I will take a percentage of the child's earnings. And if it's twins, I want first dibs to exhibit them.

Eurovision Song with accurate subtitles*

*This description may be inaccurate.

This just in...

Man returns home to find his house has been stolen and replaced by chairs. Disgruntled, he goes to find a policeman.

Ironically, immediately after having the chairs removed the victim was attacked by hundreds of circus lions, and found himself defenceless.

From his hospital bed he told reporters 'I did not expect the lions'.

What am I?

I'm taller than a mountain
Yet shorter than a tree
I've elbows like an oyster
But I don't live in the sea
In January I'm backwards
My quotes are misconstrued
I'm often found in attics
All bewildered and confused
I've trouble eating peaches
I'm as wide as I am high
When in Rome I stretch a gnome
And wear it as a tie
My fists are made of Christmas
I can't outrun a dog
I'm cleverer than Einstein
Yet thicker than a fog
I once ate part of Scotland
I've no concept of green
My ice-skates smell of Coldplay
Even though I prefer Keane
My eyelids are deluded
My hooves are working class
I live inside a freezer
I live off Häagen-Dazs
I carry tiny boardgames
For when my fleas get bored
My left leg is in Shoreditch
My right leg is insured
I started life a shapeless mass
I have a hundred toes
The question is though, 'what am I?'
The answer is 'fuck knows'.

The Anarchist

Sometimes I eat breakfast cereal in the evening.

Sometimes I'll eat that cereal with a soup spoon.

I am an agent of chaos.

Total Comprehension

Today I was eating raisins on a park bench when I gained a complete understanding of the universe. I viewed the entirety of space and time and had comprehension over everything I saw. I'm told my eyes became bright light and my brain could be seen through the backs of the sockets. I watched everything that will ever exist separate into electrons and I studied each electron simultaneously. My vision filled the universe as I heard the chorus of eternity.

When I re-gained awareness of my environment it was dark and my raisins were gone.

Arctic Learnings

The Arctic wastes are cause for much interest. It is a wide, white land of unknown dimensions. All the animals that live on it are white to be camouflaged from predators. They don't know this though, as the predators are also white, so they are unaware of their existence. The predators have never seen their prey so do not know what to look out for. Everything just stumbles about like idiots in the dark, trying to work out what they're all supposed to be doing.

The only animal that ever catches anything is a beast called a 'Polar bear'. A Polar bear is a sort of fat horse that lives on, or in, the Arctic. The only part of a Polar bear that isn't white is it's nose, something it uses to it's advantage. When the Polar bear lies down and keeps very still, it's little black nose looks like a discarded Malteser. As a passing animal approaches to claim the solitary treat, the Polar bear grabs it and punches it to death. He then pops it in his gob and carries it back to his igloo for dinner.

The only invention the Arctic would not be improved by is the refrigerator. The Arctic is so cold that food stays fresh for ages. This was discovered by explorer Robert Scott, who gleefully told his crew to "Leave the fridge behind, lads! Our ham shall not turn!" The Scott fridge is still there today, but is white so cannot be seen.

Scientists drill holes in the Arctic to try and discover what it does - the term 'wastes' comes from the general feeling that it is wasted land. However, we must learn to accept the Arctic and be grateful for it's benefits if it has benefits.

The trouble with holograms

The law needs to be clearer when it comes to people making hologram calls while driving.

Only last week I was fixing a utility scuttler in Sector 6, when I spotted a Vellerin driving a battle cruiser, while having a holo-council with the Tuhskil elders! Naturally I gave him a blast of the sonar horn, but he just flicked the Vs at me (with several of his hands), and carried on. When will these gong-weasels learn that a battle cruiser is a weapon? The main problem is that the law 'borgs won't pull them over in case they're accused of being 'prejudice'!

Sometimes I don't know what the nebulas coming to, it's political correctness gone kark.

Culture crumbs

I woke up this morning with the opening paragraph of 'The Time Traveller's Wife' tattooed down the left side of my face. I appreciated the originality of the concept, but found the sentimentality to be slightly overwrought.

Artist Richard Wright has won the Turner Prize. The prize money is £25,000. He should give it to the runner-up artists so they can replace the paint they wasted.

The best art is yet to be made. I wish someone would get on with it.

Can you hear me at the back?

Good. Welcome to the Hall of Not. This is the first of over 1 blog entries. These updates will have mixed agendas, but in general will be a place to document my ponderies and discoverings.

However, do not expect daily entries, because you will be tragically dismayed. They will be semi-occasional, but thoughtfilled and reasonable at all times. I give you my word on this, and you can put my word in the bank - if your bank accepts abstract concepts.

This for me is a step into a world in which I hitherto wasn't. I will not hold a sword to your throat and force you to read, because I don't have a sword and your front door is locked. But why not check in semi-occasionally, and let's try and make this worthwhile.